Relational Dynamics

Interpersonal Attraction
1. Why do we form relationships? This all stems from interpersonal attraction which contains many different parts.
  1. Apperance
    1. Something that changes over time.
  2. Similarity
    1. Provides ego support because of similarities in that person.
      1. If our partner is all these great qualities, then we must have the great qualities too.
  3. Complementary
    1. Complement each other. The ideology of opposites attract.
  4. Competence
    1. Having a balanced level of flaws and strengths. Don't want our partner to be too much better than us and also don't want them to be bad at everything.
  5. Reciprocal Attraction
    1. Attracted to people who we think are attracted to us. When both parties maintain mutual attraction
  6. Disclosure
    1. The depth of information shared can increase attraction because it communicates that you can trust that person
      1. Has to be reciprocal and has to be timed appropriately.
  7. Proximity
    1. Having a shared environment, whether its forced or not, creates the possibility of interpersonal attraction.
      1. Can be physical or virtual
Relational Dialects
1. Dialects
  1. Definition: Important but incompatible goals in relationships
    1. Example: I want to move to Virginia because my family lives there, but my partner wants to stay in Colorado because there are more opportunities, and she would make better money for her career.
2. Dialectal Tensions
  1. Definition: When relationships are in a constant state of flux because of the dialects
    1. Occurs in "waves". Comes in and out and becomes more intense as you get closer in the relationship
    2. Types of Dialectal Tension: Connection-Autonomy, Openness-Privacy, Pedictiblity-Privacy
      1. Connection-Autonomy: Wanting to have your partner be very involved in your life, but also wanting to be your own person and do your own things.
        Example: Being excited that you and your partner have been hanging out a lot, but also really wanting alone time away from that person. You still enjoy the persons company and want to hang out, but you still have a sense of wanting to be alone sometimes.
      2. Openness-Privacy: Wanting to disclose and share everything with your partner, but also wanting space and a sense of privacy in your life.
        Example: I love sharing information about my life with my partner because it makes us closer and gives us stronger relationship. I also like having things privately known to only me in my life and being able to have that sort of secret place in my mind.
      3. Predictability-Novelty: Wanting predictability and assurance in the relationship, but also not wanting the relationship to become boring and waiting to be suprised.
        Example: I love the comfort of knowing a schedule of when I'm going to see my partner and what we're going to do when we see each other; I also love when they surprise me with secret dates or show up at random times to hang out.
Knapp's Developmental Model
1. Coming Together: This is how relationships are built.
  1. Initiating
    1. Showing interest in someone while also showing your worthiness
  2. Experimenting
    1. Uncertinainty Reduction: Making small talk with someone, asking them questions, etc. Trying to get to know the person before you purse them.
      1. Happens more quickly in mediated communication
  3. Intensifying
    1. Stage in the relationship where things become more interpersonal. You become a lot closer with that person.
      1. Expression of feelings becomes a lot more common.
2. Relational Maintenace
  1. Integrating (Growth)
    1. The "We" identity emerges and you become a social unit with your partner. You also begin to develop patterns and rituals with your partner.
  2. Bonding (Growth)
    1. Usually, a symbolic public gesture happens here. Wedding, travelling together, etc.
  3. Differentiating (Distance)
    1. "We" language shifts to "Me" language. Relational issues become individual problems.
  4. Circumscribing (Distance)
    1. Communication can decrease in quantity and in quality. There also may be a physical and mental withdrawal. There could be a valid reason, or could be unprovoked.
3. Coming Apart
  1. Stagnating
    1. There is no relational growth in this stage. A big lack of motivation
  2. Avoiding
    1. Individuals create physical distance, which in turn causes emotional distance. Communication also ends up lacking critical approach.
  3. Terminating
    1. Relationships don't move in a straight line, so termination can be symbolic, and relationships can be redefined.
Relational Transgressions
1. Definition: When one partner violates the terms of the relationship. These terms can be implicit or explicit. Can be summed up as one partner letting the other down.
  1. Explicit: Your partner cheated on you
  2. Implicit: Your partner went to your favorite store without you.
  3. Types: Lack of commitment, distance, disrespect, problematic emotions, and aggression
2. Repairing Relationships
  1. Expression of Regret
    1. This is different than saying I'm sorry.
  2. Take Responsibility
  3. Make Restitution
    1. How can I make it right and try and fix it?
  4. Genuinely Repent
    1. You have to show that you have a chance of never doing something like that again.
  5. Request Forgiveness.
    1. Isn't always given
  6. Sometimes the partner who violated the terms will need to show new behavior over time that reflects these behaviors.
3. Responding to Transgressions
  1. Accpentance
    1. Partner shows that they are happy to see the other partner has changed. The acceptance can be true or false.
  2. Rejection
    1. Partner who was violated decides it's too late and nothing can make up for this. Rejection means that there is no room for conversation.
  3. Discussion
    1. Partner tries to explain to the other why their hurt and how what they did caused this. The partner who violated the terms tries to explain their side.
Metacommunication
1. Definition: When you talk about relational communication health.
  1. Important for solving conflicts in your life and being able to have a healthy relationship with whoever you talk to about it.
    1. It's also important to help maintain the health of a relationship. It helps you be able to address the good and bad parts of what's going on in your relationship.
      1. Example: I appreciate when you take the dog on a walk without me asking.
      2. Example: It annoys me when you ask me so my questions while I'm trying to work
      3. Be careful how you use these statements. Use them in a more constructive way as opposed to just accusing someone. Careful of I vs You language.
  2. The Magic Formula: I feel x, when you y, I need z. X is a specific feeling, y is the relational message you're trying to communicate, and z is the counter-relational message.
    1. Example: I feel unappreciated when you come home and don;t help around the house, I need you to help around the house when you get home.

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Relational Dynamics

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